Serena J. Cavanaugh :: Blog

January 30, 2010

Finally Proof that All Dogs Go to Heaven!

Filed under: Cultural Rants — serena @ 9:09 pm


“Did the dinosaurs know God?”


My four year-old niece, Rachel, asked this perfectly legitimate question. By her simple logic, their size alone must have made them pretty darn close to the Man Upstairs. The bigger the better… the closer to God, of course.


But her mother, my little sister – so I have the right to totally judge her — quickly put a stop to that burgeoning philosophy. “Only people know God,” she said and just to make sure she forever ruined the poor child’s love of nature, she added, “And only people go to heaven.”




She said this right in front of my dog. Obviously, she missed the papal concession that all dogs go to heaven.


I’m not sure who was more damaged by this exchange – the dog, the four year-old, or me — but I think by the time I was finished with my errant little sister, she was.


Because animals – and definitely dogs – certainly know God and if you know God, not just of him like the human schmucks, then that’s a free ticket straight to paradise. Trust me: it makes sense and I’m about to prove it in a logical, coherent, even mathematical way that even a four year-old could understand.


The first axiom is that bigger is better. Now don’t start arguing yet. Four year-olds are ultra-grounded so they can only talk in terms of the concrete, hence Rachel’s focus on the physical size.


But we aren’t four, so we don’t have to focus on size.


Let’s dissect the meaning of the word “bigger.” When we say a person is being a “bigger” person, we mean they are being strong and doing what is expected of them. What animal does anything besides what is expected of them? Even when a dog is being naughty, as in barking at the cat on the fence, or digging in the garden, he’s doing exactly what God intended. And when he sacrifices those small pleasures for us, he’s being strong. Either way — he’s earning his way to Eden.


Dogs, I think, are still enjoying the Garden of Eden. Isn’t that what a dog is all about? In exchange for obedience, we feed them and take care of them, which is exactly the exchange God wanted with Adam and Eve. 


The other thing about “bigger people” is that they don’t sweat the small stuff. They keep their mind on the simple, not the complex and convoluted. When faced with confrontations, they choose the path less trodded upon, one that is higher, perhaps narrower, perhaps straighter… oh, that would be the road leading straight to the pearly gates.


I’m going to go on a slight but important tangent here to prove that faulty logic is also better and necessary. Faulty logic belongs to those that are simple minded and simple people are bigger people and bigger people are better people… and if you are still confused Rachel will explain.


So, back to my faulty but better logic…


It has been established that simple means better means higher means heaven etc.


And what can be simpler than a dog, stretched out on the sunny part of the carpet, or hopping through tall grass with a gait that freezes at the top of the jump’s arch, or snapping at gnats in the dusky evening, or enjoying that good scratch behind the ears?


Nothing…except maybe a four year-old asking whether or not dinosaurs know God, on account of their size and all.





  1. I think this rocks! I mean, I love Rachel more than Sparky — but I guess I should never say that he isn’t going to heaven again. Because now I know better.

    All dogs do go to heaven, and I’ve been schooled.

    Comment by stephanie — January 30, 2010 @ 9:55 pm

  2. Damned straight errant little sister!

    Comment by serena — January 31, 2010 @ 1:54 am

  3. I believe you once said that men are all dogs. You even had a book pertaining to this subject. So if all men are dogs and all dogs go to heaven, does this mean that all men go to heaven?

    Comment by Rob Shreve — April 8, 2010 @ 3:12 pm

  4. Rob — of course. I thought everyone knew that men were God’s gift!

    Comment by serena — April 28, 2010 @ 9:26 pm

  5. Haha, we can be a blessing or a curse. Dogs on the other hand are always a wonderful blessing. :-)

    Comment by Rob Shreve — April 28, 2010 @ 10:02 pm

  6. Every man is God’s gift to at least one woman for at least two minutes — well maybe two and half — and in that two and half minutes, it’s all blessings and no curses.

    Comment by serena — May 6, 2010 @ 3:00 pm

  7. It’s true that two and half is the recognized scientifcally proven least amount of time it takes for a woman to have “satisfying” ahem-ahem-wink-wink. No joke.

    Comment by serena — May 6, 2010 @ 3:02 pm

  8. Where are the posts at Serena? You owe your fan base some new posts!

    Comment by Rob Shreve — June 23, 2010 @ 2:22 pm

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